Merry Christmas to all

I hope everyone is having the most awesomest of Christmas ever and getting lots and lots of presents while drinking rum spiced egg nog while resisting the urge to violently murder your entire family. So I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and to celebrate here's my favorite X-Mas song:


Of course I can't forget to include a little Weird Al in my Christmas celebrations:


Keep watching this space.

This beat was expensive

By far the only reason to watch SNL is for the digital shorts. How sad is it that the funniest bits on a live comedy skit show are the bits that are prerecorded? Oh well, long live the Lonely Island.




And let's not forget to include Jorma and Akiva.



Hey, they have a blog on blogspot and a Grammy nomination with T-Pain. Ahhh, the glories of auto-tune. Keep watching this space.

To the asshole in Hayward, CA

How was your Black Friday? Mine started out decently enough. Sure I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, but that was OK, it allowed me to check out the early sale at Fry's. I even got the chance to enjoy a nice little breakfast at Mickey D's before clocking in at the office. Even better, it was payday. I could pay my bills and have enough left over to stop off at my favorite Comics & Stuff.

That's about the time you entered my life, and Rita informed me that my debit card had declined. There's no way it should have declined. I had used it to check my balance at an ATM not more then 40 minutes earlier, everything was fine. I quickly paid with another card, feeling like some sort of deadbeat as the transaction ran through and quickly headed off to the my local bank.

I was in luck! No one was ahead of me in the drive-thru ATM. Somebody even left their card in the machine, but being the honest good Samaritan that I'am, I promptly took the card out to turn in after I checked the status of my own card. "Transaction unavailable at this time" the screen read. I tried my other card and was greeted with the familiar menu screen. WTF!? I quickly went inside, turned in the card I found and explained the difficulty I was experiencing with my card. The teller told me my card had been deactivated and I would need to speak with a banker. Deactivated? How could that be? Who deactivated it? Why did they deactivate it? What the fuck was going on here? The banker told me there was an alert on my account and after going through a series of phone calls finally reached the right department and handed me the phone and was asked a series of questions regarding my identity and recent purchases, to which I answered; "Yes, I made a purchase at a McDonald's. Yes I also accessed an ATM. NO FUCKING WAY DID I SPEND 200 DOLLARS AT A TARGET IN HAYWARD, CALIFUCKINGFORNIA!!!".

So here we are, I'm waiting for my bank to send me a new debit card and to credit me back my stolen money. I hope you had a wonderful Black Friday and enjoy those two $100 Target gift cards you bought with my debit card info. I don't know how you got it or why the cashier at the Target couldn't be bothered to ask for some I.D. before finalizing the transaction. I do know however, that you are racking up some serious points against you in life, and that this little jaunt into identity theft will eventually catch up with you some day. Hopefully on that day, you'll be with your two hundred pound cellmate, nicknamed 'Dolla' and he'll have his dick so far up your ass that it tickles the back of your throat. Maybe you'll think to yourself, as your poop deck gets swabbed, "I wonder if this is how all those people I stole from felt like when they found out they got robbed?". My answer is "NO!!!", we feel worse asshole! Happy Holidays you prick. I ope 'Dolla' donkey punches your ass.

Keep watching this space.

Thanks a lot

Thanksgiving is finally upon us. This time tomorrow must of us will be in turkey induced comas with visions of Festivus dancing in our heads, but before we reach that point, I feel I should list many of the things I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

My wife...Yeah I know I'm sorted of obligated to be thankful.
My son...guI ess.
My dog...for being able to sleep through the night.
My parents...for making me possible.
My mother and father-in-law...for driving my wife insane with their antics.
My brother and sister-in-law...for keeping me entertained and helping with Dean Christopher's room.
My niece...for annoying my wife.
My friends who don't have kids...don't ever have any, I'm getting too old to keep a gaggle of children amused.
My friends with kids...for all their help with getting us prepared for having a kid of our own.
The kids of my friends...for living far away from me and giving me a breather.
My relatives who I don't talk to...for not making me feel guilty for not talking to them more often.
My work...for keeping me employed, especially during this bitch slap of a year.
Kaiser Permanente...for delivering Dean Christopher.
The guy who invented pumpkin pie...without you our world would be over run with giant orange gourds.
Turkeys...for being delicious.
Rita and the Comics-N-Stuff on Plaza Blvd...for supplying me with my weekly fix for all these years and the accompanying 30% discount.
Microsoft...for the Xbox, Halo games,and Gears of War games that have robbed me of many hours of sleep.
My two followers listed on my blog...I know there are more than 2 people out there who are reading this but you 2 are my favorites.
The other people who secretly and passively read this blog...for having nothing better to due at 3 am then to read the nonsensical ramblings of a closet narcissist.
Twitter...for helping me to spread my nonsensical, narcissistic ramblings through cyber-space.
Facebook...for giving my wife's friends a way to follow my nonsensical narcissistic ramblings.
The US military...for keeping us safe and helping to make this country a force for good in the world.
The founding fathers...for making a country that is the greatest instrument of good on the planet.
Republicans...for trying to show us the real world.
Democrats...for their naivete and ability to make me laugh.
The Internet...for giving me access to the funniest Thanksgiving themed TV episode ever;

And finally thanks to God...for making all of this possible.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Keep watching this space.

I have no idea what this is

Totally stumbled onto these videos and have no way to describe it. All I know is that they cost over $5000 and are really cool. Future musical instrument or high tech novelty? I'll let you decide.







I figured out where I've seen this before.



Awesome! That means real lightsabers are just around the corner. Then scientists can discover midichlorians and I can force choke the assholes who cut me off on the freeway. Ain't the future grand?

Keep watching this space.

M,O,O,N, that spells gay

I remember when vampires and werewolves used to be bad assed, blood thirsty, vicious monsters. Now they're all emo, with sparkly glitter skin, that transform in to cute snarling puppies.

Thanks a lot Anne Rice, this is all your fault. Keep watching this space.

Auto Tunesday

In celebration of my 50th blog entry, I've decided to bring you the joys of Auto-Tune. What is Auto-Tune? Lets have Weird Al help explain it to us:



So apparently Auto-Tune is all the rage now and I'm doing my part to help beat it into the ground by spreading the message. Here is one of my favorites, enjoy:



Hope you enjoyed this, my 50th post, as much as I enjoyed the hours of prep it took to put this one together. Actually, I just threw this up here during the commercial breaks of V. God I'm lazy.

Keep watching this space.