Merry Christmas to all

I hope everyone is having the most awesomest of Christmas ever and getting lots and lots of presents while drinking rum spiced egg nog while resisting the urge to violently murder your entire family. So I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and to celebrate here's my favorite X-Mas song:


Of course I can't forget to include a little Weird Al in my Christmas celebrations:


Keep watching this space.

This beat was expensive

By far the only reason to watch SNL is for the digital shorts. How sad is it that the funniest bits on a live comedy skit show are the bits that are prerecorded? Oh well, long live the Lonely Island.




And let's not forget to include Jorma and Akiva.



Hey, they have a blog on blogspot and a Grammy nomination with T-Pain. Ahhh, the glories of auto-tune. Keep watching this space.

To the asshole in Hayward, CA

How was your Black Friday? Mine started out decently enough. Sure I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, but that was OK, it allowed me to check out the early sale at Fry's. I even got the chance to enjoy a nice little breakfast at Mickey D's before clocking in at the office. Even better, it was payday. I could pay my bills and have enough left over to stop off at my favorite Comics & Stuff.

That's about the time you entered my life, and Rita informed me that my debit card had declined. There's no way it should have declined. I had used it to check my balance at an ATM not more then 40 minutes earlier, everything was fine. I quickly paid with another card, feeling like some sort of deadbeat as the transaction ran through and quickly headed off to the my local bank.

I was in luck! No one was ahead of me in the drive-thru ATM. Somebody even left their card in the machine, but being the honest good Samaritan that I'am, I promptly took the card out to turn in after I checked the status of my own card. "Transaction unavailable at this time" the screen read. I tried my other card and was greeted with the familiar menu screen. WTF!? I quickly went inside, turned in the card I found and explained the difficulty I was experiencing with my card. The teller told me my card had been deactivated and I would need to speak with a banker. Deactivated? How could that be? Who deactivated it? Why did they deactivate it? What the fuck was going on here? The banker told me there was an alert on my account and after going through a series of phone calls finally reached the right department and handed me the phone and was asked a series of questions regarding my identity and recent purchases, to which I answered; "Yes, I made a purchase at a McDonald's. Yes I also accessed an ATM. NO FUCKING WAY DID I SPEND 200 DOLLARS AT A TARGET IN HAYWARD, CALIFUCKINGFORNIA!!!".

So here we are, I'm waiting for my bank to send me a new debit card and to credit me back my stolen money. I hope you had a wonderful Black Friday and enjoy those two $100 Target gift cards you bought with my debit card info. I don't know how you got it or why the cashier at the Target couldn't be bothered to ask for some I.D. before finalizing the transaction. I do know however, that you are racking up some serious points against you in life, and that this little jaunt into identity theft will eventually catch up with you some day. Hopefully on that day, you'll be with your two hundred pound cellmate, nicknamed 'Dolla' and he'll have his dick so far up your ass that it tickles the back of your throat. Maybe you'll think to yourself, as your poop deck gets swabbed, "I wonder if this is how all those people I stole from felt like when they found out they got robbed?". My answer is "NO!!!", we feel worse asshole! Happy Holidays you prick. I ope 'Dolla' donkey punches your ass.

Keep watching this space.

Thanks a lot

Thanksgiving is finally upon us. This time tomorrow must of us will be in turkey induced comas with visions of Festivus dancing in our heads, but before we reach that point, I feel I should list many of the things I'm thankful for, in no particular order:

My wife...Yeah I know I'm sorted of obligated to be thankful.
My son...guI ess.
My dog...for being able to sleep through the night.
My parents...for making me possible.
My mother and father-in-law...for driving my wife insane with their antics.
My brother and sister-in-law...for keeping me entertained and helping with Dean Christopher's room.
My niece...for annoying my wife.
My friends who don't have kids...don't ever have any, I'm getting too old to keep a gaggle of children amused.
My friends with kids...for all their help with getting us prepared for having a kid of our own.
The kids of my friends...for living far away from me and giving me a breather.
My relatives who I don't talk to...for not making me feel guilty for not talking to them more often.
My work...for keeping me employed, especially during this bitch slap of a year.
Kaiser Permanente...for delivering Dean Christopher.
The guy who invented pumpkin pie...without you our world would be over run with giant orange gourds.
Turkeys...for being delicious.
Rita and the Comics-N-Stuff on Plaza Blvd...for supplying me with my weekly fix for all these years and the accompanying 30% discount.
Microsoft...for the Xbox, Halo games,and Gears of War games that have robbed me of many hours of sleep.
My two followers listed on my blog...I know there are more than 2 people out there who are reading this but you 2 are my favorites.
The other people who secretly and passively read this blog...for having nothing better to due at 3 am then to read the nonsensical ramblings of a closet narcissist.
Twitter...for helping me to spread my nonsensical, narcissistic ramblings through cyber-space.
Facebook...for giving my wife's friends a way to follow my nonsensical narcissistic ramblings.
The US military...for keeping us safe and helping to make this country a force for good in the world.
The founding fathers...for making a country that is the greatest instrument of good on the planet.
Republicans...for trying to show us the real world.
Democrats...for their naivete and ability to make me laugh.
The Internet...for giving me access to the funniest Thanksgiving themed TV episode ever;

And finally thanks to God...for making all of this possible.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Keep watching this space.

I have no idea what this is

Totally stumbled onto these videos and have no way to describe it. All I know is that they cost over $5000 and are really cool. Future musical instrument or high tech novelty? I'll let you decide.







I figured out where I've seen this before.



Awesome! That means real lightsabers are just around the corner. Then scientists can discover midichlorians and I can force choke the assholes who cut me off on the freeway. Ain't the future grand?

Keep watching this space.

M,O,O,N, that spells gay

I remember when vampires and werewolves used to be bad assed, blood thirsty, vicious monsters. Now they're all emo, with sparkly glitter skin, that transform in to cute snarling puppies.

Thanks a lot Anne Rice, this is all your fault. Keep watching this space.

Auto Tunesday

In celebration of my 50th blog entry, I've decided to bring you the joys of Auto-Tune. What is Auto-Tune? Lets have Weird Al help explain it to us:



So apparently Auto-Tune is all the rage now and I'm doing my part to help beat it into the ground by spreading the message. Here is one of my favorites, enjoy:



Hope you enjoyed this, my 50th post, as much as I enjoyed the hours of prep it took to put this one together. Actually, I just threw this up here during the commercial breaks of V. God I'm lazy.

Keep watching this space.

You learn something new every day

From the no shit Sherlock files courtesy of Doyle Redland:




Keep watching this space.

The birth of a Bridge

I can still vaguely remember when I found out that one of my best friends was going to become a dad. My girlfriend at the time, I don't know whatever happened to her, was driving us to the bowling alley to meet up with our oddball gaggle of friends. We were going up H Street when he just suddenly blurts out that his girlfriend is pregnant. My girlfriend, I think her name was Lynn or Ange, started asking the typical girl questions like "How many months is she?", "What are you two going to do?", "Have you told your parents?" yadda yadda yadda. My reaction was more like, "HOLY SHIT!!! She let you touch her vajayjay with your peenie outside of the wrapper? Was she drunk? Wait a minute...you had sex?" or something like that. Actually, my reaction was probably more like that of my girlfriend's, but rest assured I was thinking other things, some of which haunt me to this day, but I digress. Suffice to say, he was scared out of his mind and I'm sure he soiled his pants and the back seat of my girl's car.

Flash forward to November 6, 1999 and I'm hanging out in the waiting area at Mary Birch Hospital with my still girlfriend and our friends. Scratch that, they weren't friends anymore, they were family. If you are still hanging out with the people you knew since middle school, heck some of them knew each other since elementary, and you're waiting for hours while one of you is expecting their first kid you stop being friends and automatically become family. Sure as time goes on you might not hang out with each other as much as you used to, life has a habit of getting in the way, but you're still there for each other when the big moments happen, good or bad, and that is something that has always defined my group of friends. No matter what, we would always be there for each other and that love would extend to each other's children as well.

So finally, after god knows how long our friend comes out, tears still fresh on his face, to let us know that his wife, yes they got married a month earlier and yes he cried at that too, puss; delivered a beautiful baby girl. Everyone cheered, hugged, patted him on the back, congratulated him, and happily went to visit the new little bundle of joy and the exhausted wife. And there they were the new little family, tired, a little scared and overwhelmed, but relieved that it was all over and knowing that everything was going to be all right because they had the most important thing in the world. The love and support of family.

So I would like to take this moment to wish Bridget a happy tenth birthday. I hope your parents get you some new glasses and just know that the real reason they call you "Bridge" is because you were conceived under a bridge, most likely the Coronado Bridge, while listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yes, your parents were freaks back in the day, and they loved you very, very much for two years until your little sister Cadyn came along. Now they just tolerate you. I hope you had an adequate birthday.

Love always,

Druncle Bert

Keep watching this space.

A dingo ate my baby

It was the one thing we were worried about most when we brought Dean Christopher home; Barney. For two years Barney has been our spoiled furry child and we were worried that he would view Dean as competition for our affection. My mom tried to convince us that Barney was going to pee on the baby because he wasn't fixed. Seriously, what is with women always trying to convince men that we have to get rid our dogs nuts?

Anyway, the fateful day came in which Barney finally met Dean. We had been psychologically preparing ourselves throughout the pregnancy for this moment. We watched Cesar Millan. We watched Its me or the Dog. We even asked friends who had dogs and kids. We felt that we were prepared.

My wife went through the door first while I stayed back holding him in his car seat. Barney jumped all over my wife, excited that she was finally home after being gone three days. Then I came in with the the boy in the car seat and what happened next will haunt me till my dying day.

Barn jumped on me, causing me to lose my grip on the car seat. The harness holding DC snapped and he came spilling out onto the cold tile floor, screaming like a stuck pig. My wife tried in vain to quickly scoop him up but it was too late, Barney had his mouth wrapped around the top of Dean's head and shook violently, causing a wicked gash to form on his scalp. The family was screaming as the blood pooled on the the once pristine floor. The final indignity was when Barney lifted his leg in victory and peed on the screaming writhing child.

And that was how Barney met Dean Christopher. Either that or Barney licked Dean excessively trying to grab the beanie from his head before getting bored and slightly annoyed by the new hairless pink dog and demanding me to take him out.

Whichever way it happened, we remain a nice big happy family, even though I'm still convinced that Barney is figuring out a way to eat the child, just so he can get a decent nights sleep.

Keep watching this space or Ruffis will eat this child.

One week later...

October 5, 2009, started out like any other craptastic Monday. At 5:30am I slowly dragged my sorry carcass out of bed trundled up stairs and did my usual weekday morning ritual as I got ready for work. An hour later I was at my desk clocking in to start day one of my shortened four day work week. Fifteen minutes after that I was grumbling my out of the men's room to return to work. Damn you McDonald's. Damn you.

It was about 8 o'clock when my wife called with those fateful words that would change my life forever; "Don't panic, but I think my water broke and I'm heading to the hospital right now." I hung up the phone, looked at my computer screen and thought; "Damn! He was supposed to wait until my day off on Friday." Already my son was ruining all of my best laid plans.

Twenty minutes later, I'm on the freeway, heading home to pick up my father-in-law, who was left behind because nobody wanted to leave Barney alone until he had done his morning business. I get home, let Barney out, who was sooo excited to see me home so early that he decides to take an extra long time go to the bathroom. During this time I'm calling my wife to get an update and find out that she is now feeling contractions. Finally, Barney drops a number 2 pencil, I take him home grab my father-in-law and head to the place in which I would spend the next 12 hours waiting to finally meet the little bugger that had made my wife miserable for the past 39 weeks.

The hospital was about five minutes away from sending my wife home. They couldn't find any signs that her water had broken and her contractions were not significant enough to admit her. Still, they decided to check her cervix and were surprised to find out that she was dilated 5cm. BOOM, instant admission. They tell her to strip to her birthday suit, throw on the paper robe and follow the nurse to the room where I would witness things that no man should ever see happen to his wife.

We sat bored out of our minds waiting for something to happen in that room. Sure, occasionally a nurse or midwife would come in and to talk to us in medicalese that made no sense at all to us. They would have been better of just saying "Banana, banana, banana" to us and just save us the confusion and worry. I think we also went through five shift changes, all of which seemed to start with the new nurse asking whether my wife would be having an epidural despite that it was written in big letters on the white board in the room or was already done three hours ago. Little medical fun fact: "Those who work in the medical profession are some of the worst organized people in the world and have absolutely horrible memories." Every time they came into the room it was like we were meeting them for the first time. Lucky for all of us they are quick learners.

My wife started pushing at about 8 pm, twelve hours after she had called me at work. By this point in time I was thinking maybe I could watch our usual Monday night shows while wait and flipped the TV over to watch Heroes, bummed that I didn't set my DVR to record House and the hospital didn't carry ESPN so I missed the Vikings/Packers game. I soon learned that its impossible to watch crappy sci-fi melodrama while a nurse is telling your wife to push while you're helping to push her knee towards her chest. So add Heroes, as well as Two and a Half Men to my ever growing list of shows I missed on Monday night.

I also learned that it is hard to maintain your focus and composure when you wife has everything on display, in a position that the Kama Sutra would deem as to vile, while everyone in the room is chanting "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH". Everyone that is except the mother-in-law whose heavy Filipino accent makes it sound like she was chanting "PUSS, PUSS, PUSS" and that is what greeted little Dean Christopher when he came into this world. A little Filipino lady calling her daughter, his mom, a "puss".

Tune in next time when I describe the aftermath as well as the first meeting between Barney and his new chew toy, aka Dean Christopher. Plus some pics of the little hairy monkey child. If you can't wait to see him just check my twitter feed, otherwise keep watching this space.

Holy days are here again

Wow!!! Two holy fathers for the price of one! Maybe the guy in the next story can go to the papal tumor for help in getting his prayers answered.

Now I know what God is doing when the Raiders are playing. Keep watching this space.

That boy ain't right.

While I'm happy that the Raiders were able to squeak out a win against the Chiefs today, I'm also a little sad that last Sunday saw the last new episode ever of King of the Hill. I know most people find Hank and company dull, heck its hard to compete against the Simpsons' zaniness and Family Guy's insanity, but King of the Hill was one of the most consistent shows on Fox's Sunday night line up. I don't think any other cast of cartoon characters on a prime time show have ever shown the kind of character development and growth that King of the Hill has. I know most people will say that Mike Judge's greatest creations are Beavis and Butthead or Office Space, and while I hold an affection for those two pieces of Americana, I think it will be King of the Hill that will be remembered 50 years from now.

But for now I'm left with a sadness and sense of joy at the passing of this great Sunday night institution. 13 seasons is a heck of a run and I'm glad Fox was gracious enough to give them a proper series finale, unlike the stabbing in the back that Futurama got. So here's to you Hank, Peggy, Bobby, Luann, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer, Kahn, Minh, Connie, Joseph, Nancy, John Redcorn, and the rest of a cast of characters who have helped make Sunday night one of my favorites. You will be missed.

Keep watching this space.

Best BertDay weekend ever

My actual birthday on Saturday kind of sucked until I got to go hang out with some friends over at the Brewhouse. Up until that point I pretty much did nothing except play my new Xbox game, which I purchased that day, and snack at Arby's. I hate it when my wife has to work all day and I can't hang out with her. I really am lost without her. Anyways after we left the Brewhouse, she kept asking what I wanted to do for the rest of my "BertDay" weekend. I kept saying my usual "I dunno...whatever you want.", which is my usual response to the "Whatta ya wanna do?" questions. So what does she do? Produces two tickets to Monty Python's Spamalot. So we went to the last showing last night at the Civic Center and it was AWESOME! If you're a fan of all things Python, go see Spamalot if you get the chance. By far the best musical ever written by, for, and about møøse. If your not a fan of all things Python, then screw you, go see it anyway.



You can bet I'll be humming this all season as Al Davis continues to draw breath.

Keep watching this space.

Happy Bertday to me

Keep watching this space.

Dog days of summer

I continue to be jealous of Barney. It must be great to be a dog, or at least a dog with a loving home. Your every whim is catered to, you have no responsibilities, you can even lick yourself in front of people and not care one whit what they think. The only time Barney shows any sort of shame and embarrassment is when he drops a deuce.

I'm convinced my dogs memory only goes back to right after his last poop. Every time he gets the same look of horror and shame. You can almost hear him thinking "Whats happening? What is this? Why are you looking at me? STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!", all the while he looks away in shame. Once done, it just a quick kick of the grass and his dirty shameful deed is over and forgotten.

That reminds me of one more wonderful thing about being a dog, you don't clean up after yourself. Just imagine your whole life you are basically treated to maid service. Get dirty, someone washes you. Lay down some "rope", someone with a bag on their hand whisks it away. Spill your food, forget the 5 second rule, you can finish it at your leisure or let the bipeds pick it up and replace it with fresher tastier food. You are the king of the world and everyone else is just a servant to attend to your needs and desires.

Yes sir, life is awesome for the family dog. That is until the short female biped goes and says "I think it time to chop his nuts off." Your wonderful little family member who gives you so much love, joy, and attention in life, just sits there staring up at the little woman; and you're sure you can almost hear him think "Bitch". Keep watching this space.

Alan Moore and Frank Miller killed the comic book industry

***WARNING: Long disjointed screed follows. Continue at your own risk***

I'm actually quite excited by the recent news of Disney buying Marvel for $4 billion, which you can read all about here. Not because I own stock in both companies, hell I was going to buy more Marvel stock before the news of the sale broke, but because the sale of the House of Ideas to the House of Mouse means that all my favorite Marvel characters will still be around in some form hundreds of years from now.

Most people aren't aware at how close Marvel came to folding up shop back in the nineties when the comic book market exploded under its own weight and greedy speculators caused companies to make some really bad decisions. Wikipedia has a nice brief description of the debacle of the nineties. I remember when Marvel went bankrupt and seeing the price of their stock fall to 35 cents a share. I was going to use my credit card to buy $1000 dollars worth of stock, thinking there was no way Marvel was going to go away, but ultimately pussied out. Ultimately Disney is going to pay $50 per share when the deal for the buyout goes through. If I went through with my original plan, I would have made around $140 thousand. Oh well, the stock market is full of Monday morning quarterbacks.

So why do I think Alan Moore and Frank Miller have killed the comic industry? Both are perhaps two of the greatest comic creators to have ever come out of the eighties. Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns are regarded as milestones in comic literature. Time magazine even listed Watchmen in their top 100 Novels of the 2oth Century. Their works have gone on to influence a whole slew of artists and writers like Warren Ellis, Brian Michael Bendis, Garth Ennis, and Grant Morrison. Moore and Miller can be credited to making comic books leave behind the childhood fantasies of the past and finally grow up. That is the problem with the industry today.

What makes Disney so successful? Why do children and adults flock to every new Pixar movie? The answer is incredibly simple and something the modern comic book industry has seem to have forgotten; "ALL OF DISNEY'S MOST SUCCESSFUL MOVIES CONTAIN SOMETHING FOR BOTH KIDS AND ADULTS".

Go look at a comic from the sixties and compare it to today's books. Sure your going to get deep social commentary from books like the X-Men or tragic love stories in books like Amazing Spider-Man, but you are also going to get fast paced action stories that children can read without knowing or ever hearing anything about Plato or Nietzsche. Sexual tension took a back seat to action and pacing and the average story arc was about 2 books long. Dialogue was limited and simplified so it never felt as though you had to learn to read Shakespeare, even though Shakespearean themes were common in most of the popular books. In short comics, used to be quick cheap thrills that would help millions escape into an exciting world of adventure. Many of today's comics feel like overpriced four colored versions of Joyce's Ulysses.

I have no problem with adult themes in comics but sometimes it gets to be too much. Daredevil is a good example of this. While the adult in me enjoys the more serious tone found in today's Daredevil, I often find my self getting impatient with the pacing, waiting for DD to finally beat the snot out of the villain. Often times the fight is limited to a few panels. Daredevil has gone from being a colorful fun read to a dreary labor. Seriously, why do all the books have to feel so depressing and long? Why does it take the Punisher six issues to take out one mob boss? Why is Peter Parker getting drunk and having one night stands? Why is this stuff $4 dollars? Why is the average comic fan in their 30s?

People often point to the popularity of video games and movies as to why kids seem to be fleeing comic stores. Why read a story when you can watch it on a brightly colored monitor or 30 foot screen? While the addictiveness of video games factors in the the decline of comic book popularity with children it doesn't explain the popularity of Harry Potter . Kids will obviously read something as long as its easy to understand and it deals in simple themes they can relate to. Modern day comics are pretty much incomprehensible to kids under the age of 14. You cannot tell me a ten year old is going to understand the current plot of Daredevil or DC'sFinal Crisis, let alone afford to buy them. Yet, they still devour the Potter books, the Inkheart books, or the countless other children's books that are coming to a theater near you.

So is Disney going to help? Yes, they have the resources to increase Marvel's already impressive market share. Will they change the way Marvel tells stories in their most popular books? Probably. Look, there is no reason the mainstream books can't become more kid friendly while maintaining appeal for adults. DC comics seems to manage do this fairly consistently, the Blackest Night storyline that is currently going through the Green Lantern books takes me back to a simpler time when comics where just plain fun. Will the Punisher get a fresh faced, snot-nosed young punk kid sidekick? No, or at least not in the books geared explicitly towards adults. There is plenty of room for kids books and and adult books in the world of comics. However, I find this trend of having comics appeal more towards adults, instead of striking a balance between kid sensibilities and adult attitudes, does nothing but drive kids away from the wonders of the four colored world and towards the easy allure of the digital world. Hopefully, Disney can help Marvel return more towards their roots and finally make comics fun for all ages again.

Until Hannah Montana get bit by a radioactive spider make mine Marvel. Excelsior.

Keep watching this space.

Brought to you by the letters W,T, and F

Also brought to you by a generous grant from the Chubb Foundation.
Keep watching this space.

DAMN YOU TWITTER!!!

I hate some of people on twitter. For a while it fed into my enormous ego when I would receive the email saying so-n-so is now following you. "SWEET, I'm popular" is what I would think until I looked at my followers and it would look like one of the hand-outs you get on the streets of Vegas advertising "special ladies". You know the ones I'm talking about, Art's pockets are stuffed with them. Anyway, I just spent the last ten minutes emptying out the harem the my follower list was turning into, I have an image to uphold. No sexy pics of scantily clad chicks on any of my pages. No sirree...I'm sticking to manly pics:

Good Lord I'm gay. Keep watching this space.

The origins of Bert

Today at work people kept asking me why all my friends and family refer to me as "Bert". Is my middle name Bert? Was I obsessed with Bert from Sesame? Am I touched in the head? All valid questions, well maybe not that last one, but the point is I get asked these questions a lot. My answer is I have no idea when and where it started. All I know is that my friend from high school Tim is the one who passed the name along to everyone else, like herpes. Not to say that Tim had herpes, its just a metaphor that...never mind, the point is he is the one that popularized the name and it has stuck since high school.

I do have one theory about the name's origin. The Disney channel used to show the things called cartoons, you know before all the Hanna Montana's Suite Life with Wizards of High School Musical crap that they now show ad nauseum . Anyway, one of the short toons they would air between shows was "Lambert the Sheepish Lion" and since my last name happens to be Lamb it was a simple way to make fun of my name. Problem is it never really bothered me. I pretty much can handle name calling and usually was able get back at bullies, typically by kicking them in the nuts and running away like a little school girl, but I digress. I guess Tim really liked the cartoon but it took too long to say the name and he liked calling over to me by going "BERTBERTBERT" which got further shrunk to just Bert.

Of course I have fully embraced the nickname, all my in-laws refer to me as Bert and it is very discomforting any time they say my real name. Even my mom will sometimes refer to me as Bert. So feel free to call me Bert, Bertrude, Berticus, or Mr. Most Awesomest Monkey Fighting Bad Ass That Has or Ever Will Lived.

One more thing. Every time I mention the cartoon, people look at me as if I just crapped on their chest. Apparently no one has ever watched cartoons, the Disney Channel, or have had their minds wiped in an insidious plot to make me look ridiculous. Well, since a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous and thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I give you from 1952 the academy award nominated short Lambert the Sheepish Lion:



Keep watching this space.

YouTube Tuesday

Got back from our tour of the Labor & Delivery tour at Kaiser. My wife is now scared of epidurals and seems very concerned about making sure the boy will be circumcised. I'm sure it can only get better the closer to the due date right? Anyway, since I'm not in the mood to come up with anything clever or original, I've decided to make to night movie night. Tonight we will be featuring the awesome short films of on Neill Blomkamp.

I first heard of Blomkamp about three years ago when rumors of a proposed Peter Jackson Halo movie were running rampant. Jackson wanted Neill, a South African filmmaker with no major motion picture directing experience, to direct the film. I suppose its understandable that the studio balked at the idea of handing a major franchise Halo to a first time director, but he did have the backing of Oscar winning director Peter Jackson and Microsoft as well as some very impressive short films and commercials, including one that would lead to a major box office success and my favorite film of the year so far.

First up is a commercial for Citroen, which features a car turning into a robot that looks like a robot for an amount far below what Michael Bay paid for his overblown Transformer designs:


HOW DID HE NOT GET A CONSULTING JOB ON TRANSFORMERS?!!!

I think this next one is my favorite of his and I hope he adapts it into a full length picture. If it bombs here it would definitely make a bank in Japan. Its called Tetra Vaal which has to be Afrikaans for ASS KICKING POLICE BOTS:

Its Robocop for the 21st century.

Here's the film that inspired a little film that's out in theaters right now making all sorts of money and basically saying "F*CK YOU!" to Hollywood for having so little in his abilities despite his obvious talent:


So whats a guy to do when a major studio gets cold feet and starts pulling back from making a film adaptation to one of the best shooters of all time. You get together with Microsoft and create a series of promotional videos to tease the release of a new Halo game and to show the studios how much ass a live action Halo film would kick if they would just let him do it. Seriously, I want him to make Halo after seeing this:

Ah, what could have been.

Well I hoped you enjoyed this look at the talented career of Neill Blomkamp. I'm positive you'll hear more from him in the years to come. If you want to look at some more of his early stuff go check out spyfilms.com. Also, go out and see District 9, you won't regret it, unless you take little kids with you. They might not go to sleep ever again, or turn into lame bloggers who have obsessed about the short films of a South African filmmaker for the past three years, hoping to one day see the big screen exploits of one of their favorite video game heroes, but ultimately getting hurt and betrayed by a movie system would rather get a shitty movie made by a shitty director with more Hollywood experience then a truly visionary new talent.

Oh, and Ted Kennedy has died.

Keep watching this space.

COBRAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Seriously, whats so hard about adapting this costume to the big screen? You had a budget of $170 million. Let's see what can be done for under $1000:

And if you tack on another $1000 you can get a sexy sidekick:

This is what a budget of $170 mil gets you:

So which do you think works better as a villain in a multi million dollar action movie that's designed to start a franchise that sells billions of dollars worth of merchandise?

Would be world conquering bad ass:

Or ass-hat:

I'll let you decide. Keep watching this space.

Another of life's milestones has finished

Finally, the dreaded baby shower has come and gone. As I type this, my wife is flipping through the telly, my dog is passed out, and I'm slowly regretting not putting sunblock on my pasty white flesh. Work is going to be so fun. Still, I would gladly go through with nit again just to spend time with family and friends, I mean holy crap, even Walter showed up, sans horse however.

Its funny however, I was so worried about not having enough food, only to find out we had way too much food and all I had to eat was one cheeseburger (thanks Chris for cooking them, you're the bert) and a couple pieces of lumpia. I didn't even have any of the food that I grilled. I am told that everyone loved the lemon lime tequila chicken from Costco that I heated up. That's right, I am the next Food Network star bitches. Hell even my dog at more than me. Next time I'm paying some people from Home Depot to do all the cooking for me. Who wants fajitas?

So, whats next? Finishing that damn nursery. Why did I ever agree to install laminate flooring? Maybe I can convince the man who wanders our neighborhood looking like a bum, and scaring my wife and dog, to do all the work. I think that would be perfectly fine with the little lady, who's not so little anymore. I'm so getting punched in the stomach later. That's OK though, now that she's bigger then me I can easily outrun her, so I should be safe til after Thanksgiving.

Now I'm off to lather my burnt body in a tub of aloe. One of these days I'll get to my rant about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Vomit. Keep watching this space.

For Sara,

I've been chastised for not keeping up with my blog. Well excuuuuuse me! I've been a little busy lately, what with making room fom the upcomming demon spawn and trying to stay busy at work. I have been able to do a few fun frivolous things, however, I'm too tired to go into detail right now. I spent all day painting the nursery and fixing the mistakes made by my so called good friends, who shall remain nameless. You know who you are, stalkers.

Anyway, I promised to update this site and I have met that obligation. I also promised an answer to the riddle I asked last month. If you forgot it you can find it here. So, without further adieu scroll down for the answer to the most awesome riddle you've ever read.







Its simple really, you ask which door would your brother tell me to take and you simply chose the other door. The brother who tells the truth knows his brother would lie and tell you the wrong door. The brother who lies, knows his brother would tell you the right door, but since your dealing with a liar he would obviously lie about which door his truth telling brother would pick. The end result is that both brothers would point to the wrong door so you should pick the one not selected and go on your merry way. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Next time, I'll rant about how Hollywood continues to ruin my childhood. So keep watching this space.

In brightest day, in blackest night,

According to Variety, Ryan Reynolds has been signed to play Hal Jordan in the upcoming Green Lantern film, and while I'm a fan of Reynolds' work, I think this is a horrible call. While he is perfect for a character like Deadpool, and I seriously hope that the Merc with a Mouth's rumored movie gets made, I think his acting style maybe a little too comedic for Hal.

I'm kind of afraid that he'll do Hal as a parody of James T. Kirk instead of the cool, fearless, and cocky test pilot that us geeks have grown to love.

Why not Nathan Fillion, Ben Browder, or David Boreanaz? The first two have starred in sci-fi story's before so it would be old hat for them, and Boreanaz has already done the voice for Hal in the New Frontier movie. Plus they look like Hal. Of course if I had my choice of the three I would have to go with Browder, since he's got the look and he basically already played the character in Farscape. Just slap a power ring on him and Crichton is the embodiment of every one's favorite emerald guardian.

I will admit though that I have been horribly wrong before about casting decisions in comic book movies before. I was absolutely horrified when I first heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker. I guess that's why I'm not a rich movie producer in Hollywood.

Well enough with the nerd rant. Keep watching this space.

Riddle me this

My niece likes to ask riddles and I like tormenting my niece. Hear is a riddle that frustrated her forever, well maybe not forever. More like a day and a half until I finally gave her the answer. See if you have better luck then she did.

You're in a room with two doors, one marked "A" the other marked "B". The room also contains two identical twin brothers, who are also dressed exactly the same and know everything about each other. On the wall is a sign that explains that one door leads to freedom, while the other leads to immediate and painful death. The sign also explains the two brothers know which door leads to freedom and which leads to death. However, it also says that one brother always tells the truth, while the other always tells a lie. In order to choose the correct door you are allowed to ask one brother, and one brother only, just one question. What question do you ask to determine which door leads to your freedom?

Well, good luck. I might give you the answer tomorrow. More likely I'll post it in a month or two. Hey, you never know.

Keep watching this space.

Where is my mind?

Good lord, its been a month since I last updated this stupid thing. Damn you Xbox...damn you to hell! Well now, lets see what I've been up to this month. Found out I'm having a boy.

Of course it could be the umbilical cord. We're naming him Barbara. Apparently everyone wanted a girl so this is the compromise. Yeah right! I think we should name him Max Power or Trent Steele, my wife isn't to keen on that idea.

Also saw Star Trek. Loved it, despite a few serious plot holes, still it was a good popcorn flick. My biggest problem with it however is the set design. Look at how clean and futuristic the bridge of the Enterprise looks. Now take a look at the engine room of Starfleet's most advanced starship:

Alright, that's not really the engine room, its a picture of the Budweiser brewery I think. Still, its an accurate representation of the engine room. Oh well, at least the rest of the movie entertained me.

Also saw Wolverine...meh, Terminator...much better than part three, Arnold's cameo was pretty cool. You know, in about ten years they might not need to use real actors anymore. Especially if Pixar continues to make films like UP. Thank god I saw it in 3D, the glasses covered up my red tear filled eyes. Curse you Pixar and your films of emotional terrorism.

Finally, I am amazed at how far our technology has progressed. At E3 this year, Microsoft introduced Project Natal, a motion capture device that may revolutionize how video games will be played. This thing makes the Wii look like Pong. Of course this is assuming that the developers can deliver on their promises. Still, if it works half as well as they advertise its going to be awesome.

Keep watching this space.

Project Natal Demo (6/1/09)

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Obama, friends with mutant terrorists

I can't say I'm too surprised to hear that President Obama is an advocate of mutant equality, he did pal around with Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, aka mutant terrorist Magneto, back in the 70s. I knew his political inexperience and his belief that you could negotiate with those who would see us dead would get us into big trouble down the line. I just hope that I'm wrong, but I fear that the President's actions today may have sent us down a road where we are slaves to the so called homo-superior. I say we just round them all up and send them to San Francisco with all the other freaks and weirdos. If we survive the coming genetic war keep watching this space.

Worst cold ever.

I swear I have never been as sick as I have been in the last few days. My wife was no help either, all she did was complain that she couldn't take anything for her cold so I should be able to suck it up. Whatever... the way she was acting you would think she was pregnant or something. That might explain the amount of mucus streaming from her nose. At one point over the weekend, I could swear I was married to Slimer.

This might be my last post ever after my wife reads the above paragraph so I will leave you now with a little bit of 80s nostalgia.



Keep watching this space.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Its been a while since I last posted something to this site so I figured a quick little update. Saturday the missus and I enjoyed a nice little dinner cruise with our favorite married couple the Lees. Can you believe they have not been on a dinner cruise since last century! They need to get out more.

Today I surprised my mom with a little mother's day visit. I'm such a bad son that I hardly ever visit or call her. Still, she was incredibly happy to see me and made me promise to call more. I also have to find some wedding photos for my grandma for the frame we gave her.

That about sums up any news from the weekend. Have to get ready for dinner at PF Chang's tonight . Hope you have a good Mother's Day and in honor of this weekends dinner cruise with the Lees here is a little bit of The Lonely Island for you. Keep watching this space.

What a dumb dog

As promised from an earlier post, I present to you a video about a dog and a ball. Without further adieu, Ruffis:

Keep watching this space.

Late night musings

If you can't tell from my recent tweets, I've fallen prey to the siren call of Star Wars on spike. The prequels will always be frowned upon by the pretentious fanboys, I however find them quite entertaining. Its Star Wars people, its supposed to be pulp.

Anyways, I just heard this bit of shocking new from the Onion:



Apparently no one is safe from this sour economy. I hear Lexcorp's quarterly earnings have posted a better than expected gain in profits though. I guess it pays to be evil.

I probably shouldn't blog at 12:30 in the morning. Keep watching thi...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mmmmm...baby goats

I had this awesome post about pirates and Obama dogs along with singing Tarentinos all ready to go. Then my wife sends me this story from MSN. That is one bad ass pooch. It's a good thing she didn't fall prey to the vicious killer koalas on that island.

Keep watching this space.

HAPPY EASTER

I hope everyone is having a good Easter. I myself have just finished watching Pineapple Express. Aw, pot humor, ya gotta love it. Apparently my ma-in-law has decided to cook an entire spread for Easter dinner so if I combine tonight's food with the entire pizza I ate from the Brew House at Eastlake last night I shouldn't have to eat for a month at least. Guess I'll go finish laundry and kill a few zombies while Barn does what he's best at...

Keep watching this space.

He's got the biggest balls of them all!

Ruffis is about to get bizay with his ball. As soon as I figure out how to edit videos, I may upload the action in all its glory.

Just what the hell is Twitter anyway?

I keep hearing people ask that question, and even though I like to twitter every now and then, I find myself unable to accurately describe its purpose. Is it a micro blog or is it just a new way of IM-ing or texting? Who knows? Luckily I found a nifty little cartoon that should answer all your questions. Enjoy...



BEWARE THE FAIL WHALE! Oh, and don't forget, keep watching this space.

Move over dogs playing poker

Finally, a classy Aliens V. Predator

I don't know which I like more, the classiness of the predator enjoying a snifter of brandy and a game of chess, or the alien smoking a cigarette and having a beer. If only the two AVP movies were this cool. You can find out more about these pics here.

Keep watching this space.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

I figured that in honor of Saint Paddy I would post some music videos to help us all get into the holiday spirit. If you are heading out to celebrate with friends and family or just staying in to drink alone, I hope you hoist a pint of Guinness for me.

The first two videos are from my favorite Celtic punk band Flogging Molly. I always play them on St. Patrick's day just to make it feel more festive. It always make me wish that I'm in a pub with a pint instead of driving around doing my job.








And now in honor of St Paddy's American upbringing here are the Dropkick Murphys.




And finally, a song that's viewed as being uniquely Irish, written by a Brit, and sung by two good ol boy Yanks

Awwwwww...ain't he cute

Some Barney pics.

This is pretty much all my dog does. I knew we should of got a cat.

Barney after going to the groomers and smoking a whole bowl of the puppy weed. He has serious problems.

My favorite view of Barney's nuts. Notice how his tongue is sticking out fairly close to my junk. Pervert.

That's it for now. Keep watching this space.

Mmmmm...cupcakes

My wife went out last night with some of her gal pals and she brought back some cupcakes from a place called Babycakes. They were AWESOME!!! I highly recommend you run out and get some today and share with some one you love, namely me.

One a more serious note I saw this information on a friend's twitter feed and felt that since she was responsible for my wife bringing home the delicious cupcakes, I would help spread the message about the search for Amber Dubois. If you have any info please call the tip line @ 760-743-TIPS (8477). For further information please go to the Bring Amber Home site.

Thanks and remember keep watching this space.

Missed it by that much

After reading this the other day, I found myself hoping that Bruce Willis is on Obama's speed dial. Figures, we finally get a black president and God starts chucking rocks at us. You know, I don't know what worries me more, the fact that we almost got bitch slapped by a rock that could have wiped out 800 square miles or the fact that apparently it was only noticed about three days before it reached us. STOP WATCHING THIS SPACE AND KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SKIES!!!

I can't see a thing!

Apparently I am unable to view my blog yet I can still post apparently. Very strange. Hopefully this brief little entry will be visible to my MASSIVE audience on the interwebs. If you can see this remember...keep watching this space.

Doogie's horrible musical

The best line's got to be Captain Hammer explaining what the hammer really is. Keep watching this space.

Happy Valentines Day

And now a romantic video for all you ladies on this special day. Keep watching this space.

Happy Birthday, Mister President

Its kind of interesting that two of history's most influential men were born 200 years ago today. Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary theory, and Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the US. Two great intellectuals whose contributions are still felt today. However, I think there is only one that is truly deserving of reverence and respect.

Charles Darwin would go on to change the way people view their place in the universe, while Abraham Lincoln would help reunite a broken country and finally destroy the evil of slavery. Darwin's theories would go on to influence scientists for generations and give rise to the birth of eugenics. Lincoln's policies would lead a young nation on the path to greatness and give a race of people the chance at life. Darwin gave us whiny atheists and influenced the Nazis. Lincoln sacrificed his life and the lives of hundreds of thousands to give us the country, and by extension the world, we live in today.

So on this day I would like to thank you Mr. President and wish you a happy birthday. Your life will continue to inspire countless generations to achieve greatness and strive to make the world a better place. There is one thing that I do worry about when it comes to the legacy of Abraham Lincoln. I just hope that a thousand years from now, man knows enough about how to repair holodecks and spare the world and universe from the ravages of EVIL HOLOGRAPHIC LINCOLN!!!

Keep watching this space.

Rated R for poopy language

Finally a rapper that speaks for me and my peeps. That Steve guy sure is intimidating.

Keep watching this space.

A tribute to the greatest saga of all time

Keep watching this space.

I can't believe he at the whole thing

Barney is training to become a professional sword swallower. He swallowed a needle and thread last night. Guess who had to pull it out of his butt this morning. Not me. Sometimes it pays to have a wife. Keep watching this space.

He gambled and lost

Sometimes I think teachers, for all their complaining about how hard and time consuming their jobs are, have it incredibly easy. They only work about 185 days a year and basically get paid to play games, albeit educational games, with kids. Then there are those times when my wife tells me a story like the one she told me today that makes me glad I'm stuck in an office most of the day.

She was teaching a kindergarten class when a boy comes up to her and whispers something. She asked him to repeat what he said twice because she couldn't understand what he was saying. "Ms. Duty, I pooped my pants. I thought I had to fart but pooped instead." I like to think his face looked like Renee's, in the previous post, right when he realized that he had just sharted.

Keep watching this space.